Your SCORPIO HILAROSCOPE The FUNNY HOROSCOPE that reveals the light (or dark) side of your personality. Mostly hideously hilarious! Occasionally downright daft! Amuse yourself and make fun of your friends with the Scorpio Hilaroscope (23rd October – 21st November). Character, love, money, future and much more ridiculously revealed. WARNING: May induce heart attacks or fits in those who take themselves too seriously.

Character
Scorpios are not to be trusted - definitely not with money. Send a Scorpio to buy something as trivial as the morning paper and he'll claim that the coins fell into the gutter, or that he gave them to a little old lady in dire need. The new packet of cigarettes bulging out of his back pocket is a dead giveaway though. The thing is that while Scorpios are extremely shrewd, they can be hopelessly careless and often forget to hide their sting.

Luckily for them, charm is one trait Scorpios have plenty of. Scorpios ooze charm so thick that you could scrape it off and give it to Grandma to use as denture adhesive. This is the secret of their success (not to mention survival). No matter how blatantly obvious Scorpios' malicious intentions may appear at times, they can talk themselves out of practically any situation. Anyone who remains with their partner in spite of catching them cheating red handed for the 10 th time, is most definitely dating a Scorpio!

Scorpio politicians are essential to any political party. Their power of subtle persuasion is the only reason why a government can last more than a week in power without being lynched. If you've ever been completely ripped off, it surely was not a Scorpio. With a Scorpio, you'd never notice!

Scorpios define a friend as anyone who can be used to their own advantage. Friends define Scorpios as someone to be wary of. While it may seem that Scorpios do have many friends, the company they keep is actually constantly changing. If you belong to a Scorpio's inner circle, be on your guard!

You never know when the axe will fall.

Scorpios are very suspicious of everyone around them. Clinically paranoid is a better description in most cases. Their greatest fear is of being murdered. Their greatest unfounded fear is of choking on a sugar-coated peanut.

Love
Scorpios are very passionate by nature, but also very selfish in love. Fail to please a Scorpio and you will be dumped in the middle of the night. When a Scorpio gives a gift, he's expecting 10 times back in return – plus interest. So if it's a diamond ring or a trip to Hawaii , refuse it immediately.

A Scorpio's becomes particularly suspicious when love is involved. Get back 10 minutes late from walking the dog, and prepare for a full spotlight interrogation of why, where, when and how, but especially whom with. One way of avoiding this is to be really nice, loving and reassuring when you return. An even better way is not to date a Scorpio.

Scorpios think their ideal partner is anyone extraordinarily rich and astoundingly sexy. Nobody's ideal partner is a Scorpio.

Money
Money is a high priority for Scorpios, but not quite essential since they can use their charm to obtain almost anything they want. Scorpios don't usually shop online because current technology is not able to transmit charm in digital form.

Future
Power! Wealth! Maybe even fame! Such is what lies in store for any Scorpio who lives up to their name. And they will need plenty of all that because it takes a lot of distraction to repress the feeling of utter loneliness.

Scorpios make many enemies and have to be extremely careful not to ever let down their guard. Many Scorpios who do not choke on sugar-coated peanuts are murdered by their so-called friends or jilted lovers.

Famous Scorpios
Prince Charles, Theodore Roosevelt, Bill Gates

Ideal jobs
Scorpios are successful politicians, bankers, entrepreneurs or assassins. They also make great Royals, but very few vacancies ever arise.